Why? Why now? Why this way?…

Dear friends and Universe,

My apologies for being away for so long.. My life has been very hectic and also very sad for various different reasons..

The following text in italics was written and the end of last October 2018.. My sadness and emotional pain stopped me from posting it.. Now, I feel the time is right to share it with you..

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On Monday, 24 September, at around 8:30am, I learnt the passing of my beloved brother in law from Ireland. I nearly fainted to the ground, a crashing sense of despair invaded my entire being, and a wellspring of tears erupted.  “Nooooooooo, this cannot be happening, I shouted loudly … Nooooooooo, please, this cannot be true… It cannot be, it’s not possible”… Oh! God, the thought of not being able to see Declan ever again makes me feel terribly angry…

Many times throughout our existence we’ll find ourselves on a state of grief.  It has been said that even before our birth, we already start experiencing loss and that each loss implies a suffering that should be processed and passed.

“Only the people capable of loving intensely can suffer a great pain, but this same need to love serves to counteract their griefs, and it cures them.”-Leo Tolstoy-

My brother in law took his own life on that dreaded morning… He was rushed into hospital, but died on the way… He was only 45 years old and left behind his wife and a magical five year old daughter he completely adored… I know his daughter was his life purpose, and he will be her guarding angel for ever and ever…

The two months prior to this terrible day we talked and texted frequently, as my son and I were going to visit him at the end of September… Declan was very happy looking forward to our arrival.. The Pope was visiting Cork City in August, and Declan and his mother were there in the front line among the crowds.. He sent me an amazing long text telling me how amazing and exhilarating experience he had seeing the Pope.. Declan thought of my mum and asked me to send her his love...

Why? Why now? Why this way?… I keep asking to my brother in law, please tell me, allow me to understand…

Ooooh!!! We had such a great bond since he was 12 years old.. Declan visited Spain when he was 13 and never forgot the wonderful time he had.. Even without being in touch as much as we would have liked it, we both knew we were there for each other…

Studies indicate that writing about traumatic, stressful or emotional events has been found to result in improvements in both physical and psychological health (Karen A. Baikie and Kay Wilhelm).  In Tara DaPra essay “Writing Memoir and Writing for Therapy” the writer finds that writing about loss can allow us to make meaning, even art, from something we are struggling to come to terms with.

This drawing was meant to be a card I was going to post to my in laws… As you can see It was left unfinished on my sketch book…

My emotions are too raw, but I feel that writing will help me to maintain our bond and also to cope with my loss. I keep imagining my brother in law saying words like this to me:

Don’t cry, I am not far away, life goes on and I am well.
When you need me, call me, I am only a thought apart.
Open your heart to hear my love around you soft and clear.
The day you must come this way alone,
I’ll greet you with a smile and take you in my arms.”

I just want to be alone, looking for those moments of stillness that only the quiet space can provide where I can feel, rather than think about how I feel… I welcome the spontaneous tearful moments that allow me to release the anger and refusal to accept the inevitable painful true of what it is and cannot be changed…

“In the darkness we can find light. In the confusion of seemingly senseless events, we can find meaning. In such a user-friendly universe, nothing is impossible.” – Barry Neil Kaufman

Thank you my soul for bringing back to me the desire for writing and painting again, just when I needed the most… Every touch of the keyboard and every brush stroke brings the healing in motion… I believe my brother in law is looking after me and my son and with time I will understand the “Why? Why now? Why this way?

The loss of a loved one is the deepest pain I know.. I hope this post adds some comfort to those who had this human experience..

Drawing, painting, collaging and art in general has been the greatest healers of all for me.. Please keep creating, keep flowing, keep breathing, keep loving…

“Love is a sign from the heavens that you’re here for a reason.” – John Ghetto

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Thank you all for coming back to read my blog… I appreciate you being here..

Love and plants..xx

3 comments

  1. Nancy · · Reply

    💗

  2. Anonymous · · Reply

    May God give you and Declan’s family comfort

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. Much appreciated 🙏

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